I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
