I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
