I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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