just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
