try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
