Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
