the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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