I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
