there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
