Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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