I bet he comes in French.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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