Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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