Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
