I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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