You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
