If that was your dad, he is hot
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
3pm strippers are depressing
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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