Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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