I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
