He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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