I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
