In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
