We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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