I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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