he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
