if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
