I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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