We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
