just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
