it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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