Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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