Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
