My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
