I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
