Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
