And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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