Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
