Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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