I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
