I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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