Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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