I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
