if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
