Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
