she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
He passed out mid-signature
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
