I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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