my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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