you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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