Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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