Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
