just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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